I have no reason to blog today. I have a million pictures of my kids I could write about, and I usually do, but this particular post, I think I just feel like talking.
I remember when we first started blogging, pre-kids, I would write a lot about what I was going through and feeling and thinking. Nowadays, the blog is all about my kids, which, really, is what it should be about seeing how we don't live near any family.
Lately I have had this inner dialogue with my brain. I think of my life. I think of what I do every day. I think of what the future will be like for me. To answer those thoughts, right now, I basically live for my children. If they are ornery, my day is usually bad. If they are happy, my day is usually joyous. If they are sick, my day is usually hard. If they learn or pick up on something new, my day is usually awesome. My days consists of the normal mom things. I feed kids, I play with kids, I try to entertain kids, I clean up after the kids. I am constantly finding new fun things we can do. I am always meal planning and going to the grocery store. I am a typical mother. As far as the future goes, I plan on having more kids and plan on basically doing what I do till they are grown. As they get older, the routine will change. They will be going to school, having soccer/dance/piano lessons. We will be settled with a job and a house etc.
This is the life that I have chosen and have sought for, but sometimes I feel anxiety, selfishly, for my own future. Before I had kids, I made a rule that I was never going to loose myself to motherhood. I wanted to always be laugh at funny things, love to run, love to learn Me. To a point I have kept that motto. I still love to exercise and run. I love to have fun with friends. I read and try crafts and try different recipes. I watch "E" and can tell you all the celebrity gossip. So yes, I am still Me. But sometimes I just don't feel like the old Milli. At some instances, I do feel lost to motherhood. Sometimes I do have a free minute and I have no idea what to do with myself. I can't start and finish a project. I can't read a book. Sometimes I take better care of my kids than my husband. I know that I'm babbling but the scary and real question that I'm dealing with right now is this. Once my kids are all grown up, what is going to become of me? What will I do?
So many women have talents that are put to work when their kids are grown. Some women will start businesses, some women will make things and sell them, some women will go back to their profession and work, some women will devote themselves to genealogy, some women will get into real estate. Right now, none of those things really sound that great to me.
I have always wanted to be a nurse, but really, at age 50, will I want to go back to nursing school? I mean, wiping my kids bums for 20 years doesn't make wiping strangers bums seem that appealing.
Will I be the woman that goes to lunch with her friends, reads books, always has a clean house and shops galore when my kids move on? That doesn't sound so bad, but will I be stimulated?
I know this post is from left field, but truly what inspired this is that I was looking back at a bunch of my old blog posts, and they were pretty fun to read back in the day. I remember how stimulated I was. I remember that I had to make myself wait a couple of days before posting about something else that I wanted to write about. I felt inspired to write all of the time. Nowadays when I go to blog, I have no idea what to write. Pictures I have. Adorable pictures of my beautiful family. But sometimes I want to talk about other things, like I used to.
This post isn't a cry for help at all. I'm happy and I am doing exactly what I want to be doing right now. I think that I just need to get things off of my chest and also I like to document how I am feel during this moment in life I am at right now. Who knows, maybe in 30 years I will read this post and think, "man, what a basket case, life is great. My husband is almost retired and makes a great living. My kids all made it and are having their own kids. I have the freedom to do whatever it is that I want to do. And also, I have a hot body." Ha! That last part was a joke to myself... hopefully in 30 years I will still think that I am hilarious.
In conclusion, I'm just in a deep thought. I know things will work out good for me for the future. I shouldn't be scared to "put my eggs all in one basket," that basket being motherhood. I think that if I just totally give it all, my blood, my time, my sweat, my tears, my emotions, my love; with a little bit of "selfish me things" mixed in; I know that it will be worth it. I just need to convince my overly anxious mind of this so that I can enjoy everyday, even if that day consists of overly ornery and cranky babies.
12 comments:
I smile because all mom's, including me have had your thoughts. Motherhood is all of what you said and more, but the truth is that in the stage of where you are at: preschoolers, toddlers, and with the thoughts of starting all over and back into diapers, motherhood is flat out hard! So you are projecting into the future and what it will be like. . . I can say that at 40-50 something, all brain damage from sleep loss and constant interruptions begins to disappear and low and behold, THOUGHTS! And, you will have enough energy to pursue whatever you want. . . school, job, lunch everyday, working out for hours a day. . . . the list is endless. BUT, there are somethings you miss. . . a daily schedule, constant touches (lots of messy kisses, cold noses, and tight hugs), I miss profound statements that only come from a child, I miss supporting kids in wherever area they take you (softball, music, decorating 13th east with XXX posters-of course I am innocent!) Don't get me wrong, I have a great life, but I really do miss the constant humm of kids and most of all their innocense and ease at forgiving. Love you Milli--Like your kids said in the video, you are a fantastic mom!
Loved it Milli. You and all mothers have a right to vent. Great thoughts on your relationship with motherhood. As much as I love all our grandkids, I would never have traded Kathryn places, or you, or Tracie, or Rachael, or Kimberly. Been there and done it for maybe up to a week at a time. Then, I was ready for the looney-bin! Yes, all you good Mom's deserve a "fortitude medal" in my book for fighting the good fight again, and again, and again!
...And yes, I know you see light at the end of the tunnel. But it won't always be a freight train my dear. Love you lots!!!!!!
I'm not sure what I will become in 30 years, but I can promise you we will still laugh our 'A's off at ourselves when we are 60 like we did when we were 19. Great times ahead!
I am glad you wrote this post because maybe just maybe I am not alone. Holy crap you hit my thoughts right on the head. Thanks for they great post!
Millie, I think about this all the time. I have told myself that after my kids are big I will go back to teaching... but someday I want to lose myself in volunteer work, someday it's running, somedays traveling. In the end.... as long as you are living the gospel and have a united family... life will be wonderful.
Whoa. There was more introspection in that blog than I have done my entire life.
Um, I had a personal crisis after two kids. I wanted to BE somebody. As if I weren't. So I went to BYU Education week, had one of the most amazing spiritual experiences of my LIFE. (My Dad and Jane Clayson were a a part of it.) Google her. She's amazing. Anyways, I knew the Lord was watching over me....personally. I knew what I was doing, despite the fact that I wasn't making any money or winning any public accolades, was the very most important thing I could do. It was a drastic change in mindset, from the girl who was bemoaning the fact that she thought she could be an incredible public speaker, lawyer, doctor, or Madame President but a week before. Because when it comes down to it, all that crap is secondary, and a far cry from the heavenly calling that is Mother. If you achieve nothing in this life, but raise those little angels, you are an incredible success, Miller Lite. But for your own sanity, let me add that you are so much more besides being an incredible Mom. You are an incredibly fun, life-living, life-thriving, super athletic, super well-rounded, subtly hilarious, not so subtly beautiful, deep human being. Work it, girl.
It's a good thing you are writing this down, because, if you are like me - in 10 years (or less) you will look back and really only remember most of the good things and very few of the bad. Now you will be able to read your blog and really recall how you felt at the time. You may also think of these early days with your children and Travis as possibly the best days of your life. It's funny how that works! I am so proud of you Milli and constantly amazed at how you are such a wonderful a wife, mother and homemaker. Those two beautiful little girls are so blessed to have you! They are growing up SO FAST and will be out on their own before you know it. The seeds you are planting now are gonna pay off big. Keep up the great work. LOVE YOU!!!
You're a fantastic mom too... and grandma.
Sis, you are my best friend and I am so proud (I can be proud of you because I'm older) of how real you are. You are a breath of fresh air and I literally cry that we live so far away and that we aren't going through this thing called motherhood closer together. I admire you ya know. So much. You are a wonderful mom and those girlies will realize it, if not now, they will soon enough. I'm terrified and excited for the future too, Bella's starting kindergarten and in many ways it's breaking my heart (I know right?! I use to pray for this to happen!!) I love you Mill, you are my best friend, the first one I call, the person I want to talk to everyday about the crazy thoughts and ideas that pop in an out of my crazy brain all day! Please move here. I'll give you a dollar. Please? Love you sis. So grateful we are sisters. Give it all, leave it all.
Great post Milli. I've had similar feelings lately. Not specifically motherhood, more life pre-marriage vs post-marriage. Before I got married I had all these things I loved about myself, all the things that made me who I was, my volunteering, my extensive traveling, my independence, my body. After I got married my responsibilities to putting Kelly through school for the next nine years when I was just finishing my own, moving to here he got into school, making enough money to pay for our adoption, and basically losing everything that I loved about myself. I had to find new things to love about myself. It took a while, and now a lot of those reasons are based on who I am as a mother, and only loosely tied to who I am as an individual. I liked myself a lot more as an individual pre-marriage. But I like who I have in my life a lot more now. Finding good reasons to like myself is still a struggle for me.
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